I really appreciate your willingness to share these experiences. We wish you well in your recovery. The discussion of how memory works is particularly helpful. Intriguing to me is how I could sense my psyche "glossing over" parts of what I read, as if to place a barrier of some sort between me and the reminders of my own experience.
Yes, there's not nearly enough written about memory and amnesia, I guess because dissociation blocks this information. We all do what you are doing. You put it so aptly: "I could sense my psyche "glossing over" parts of what I read, as if to place a barrier of some sort between me and the reminders of my own experience." I keep doing this too. Penetrating this dissociation over and over is a large part of healing, but few talk/write about it. On the other side of the dissociative barrier is trauma. Even as I write this, a pain flares in my abdomen. Sigh.
You’re describing what to me is a notable level of self-awareness. It’s significant to continue to, or even attempt to, penetrate dissociative barriers. This give me new insight, actually. I hadn’t thought of this being possible to face such barriers head on. Thanks to some very sensitive and motivated protectors, I can dissociate before I even know I’m getting close to a “sore spot.” My approach thus far as been mostly to wait until I find myself behind such a barrier or to process what triggers I can if/when I can through EFT or EMDR. I’m also encourage to explore and write more about this dynamic as I can, and read more about your experiences too. Thank you!
I started writing a memoir several years ago as well. I wrote hundreds of pages and kept several journals. During a full moon ritual a few days ago which included sage and incense, I burned a lot of the past notes I had taken while I was in therapy. I’m in the process of a move and I don’t want to take those papers with me. Of course, I do remember what I wrote and what I was struggling with in therapy at the time. But now it doesn’t have the same ‘charge’ or energy. 💥 I couldn’t look at the pages before as it would have been too triggering to the point of being dissociative. And, it’s also is what kept me from finishing my book — way too depressing and painful. Not sure who the hell would want to read page after page of misery. And writing and journaling were therapeutic at the time. So, I feel some progress has been made as well as ‘letting go’ of memories that beginning with my earliest memories and moving forward chronologically.
And all of this is what you mean when you say free will is an illusion? And also why you are so insistent on the importance of memories as formational of the self. I love it; this is all super, super helpful.
I have tried to write up my own painful past and I also find it too difficult to proceed for very long. "Do something else -- do anything else," my body tells me. So I wait to heal some more and hope that next time I may be able to do it. But the healing is so slow....
This is great—nothing better than to be told my writing is helpful. I write to help myself and help others—both good. But yes, the healing is slow. Look at me--I'm 65!
Writing about one’s past is itself a method of healing, as powerful as any other, I believe. So I wouldn’t wait. Idea: make a pact with the part of you that would rather do anything else—something like agreeing to write one thing about your past in each piece. Just one sentence or one paragraph or one segment—whatever. I know you’ve written about your past before, and it was interesting.
About the illusion of free will: nothing helps so much with this, for me, as reading about the other primates. Currently I’m reading Differences by Frans de Waal, the primatologist. It’s helping me understand my brother.
Zida, whenever I read you, I admire your resilience, your drive to uncover more, go further in this examination… for going THERE. I wish you ultimately the deepest peace possible. Sending so much love, Becca
Thank you, Becca. One of the things that makes all this so difficult is that most people don't admire it, don't even believe in the amnesia or in dissociation generally. So your support means a great deal to me. (You might be interested to know that it seems like I've finally found a therapist who both believes in my condition and believes in the value of "going THERE.")
“And the sexual drive stimulated too soon, unmanageable.”
Of everything here, this is the part that made me want to exclaim “YES!” out loud. Thank you for putting that experience into words.
I really appreciate your willingness to share these experiences. We wish you well in your recovery. The discussion of how memory works is particularly helpful. Intriguing to me is how I could sense my psyche "glossing over" parts of what I read, as if to place a barrier of some sort between me and the reminders of my own experience.
Yes, there's not nearly enough written about memory and amnesia, I guess because dissociation blocks this information. We all do what you are doing. You put it so aptly: "I could sense my psyche "glossing over" parts of what I read, as if to place a barrier of some sort between me and the reminders of my own experience." I keep doing this too. Penetrating this dissociation over and over is a large part of healing, but few talk/write about it. On the other side of the dissociative barrier is trauma. Even as I write this, a pain flares in my abdomen. Sigh.
Sigh, indeed. Have felt similarly.
You’re describing what to me is a notable level of self-awareness. It’s significant to continue to, or even attempt to, penetrate dissociative barriers. This give me new insight, actually. I hadn’t thought of this being possible to face such barriers head on. Thanks to some very sensitive and motivated protectors, I can dissociate before I even know I’m getting close to a “sore spot.” My approach thus far as been mostly to wait until I find myself behind such a barrier or to process what triggers I can if/when I can through EFT or EMDR. I’m also encourage to explore and write more about this dynamic as I can, and read more about your experiences too. Thank you!
I started writing a memoir several years ago as well. I wrote hundreds of pages and kept several journals. During a full moon ritual a few days ago which included sage and incense, I burned a lot of the past notes I had taken while I was in therapy. I’m in the process of a move and I don’t want to take those papers with me. Of course, I do remember what I wrote and what I was struggling with in therapy at the time. But now it doesn’t have the same ‘charge’ or energy. 💥 I couldn’t look at the pages before as it would have been too triggering to the point of being dissociative. And, it’s also is what kept me from finishing my book — way too depressing and painful. Not sure who the hell would want to read page after page of misery. And writing and journaling were therapeutic at the time. So, I feel some progress has been made as well as ‘letting go’ of memories that beginning with my earliest memories and moving forward chronologically.
I wish you the best with your writing.
As Becca said, you are resilient and brave.
And all of this is what you mean when you say free will is an illusion? And also why you are so insistent on the importance of memories as formational of the self. I love it; this is all super, super helpful.
I have tried to write up my own painful past and I also find it too difficult to proceed for very long. "Do something else -- do anything else," my body tells me. So I wait to heal some more and hope that next time I may be able to do it. But the healing is so slow....
I really like that "the importance of memories as formational of the self"--nice way to put it.
This is great—nothing better than to be told my writing is helpful. I write to help myself and help others—both good. But yes, the healing is slow. Look at me--I'm 65!
Writing about one’s past is itself a method of healing, as powerful as any other, I believe. So I wouldn’t wait. Idea: make a pact with the part of you that would rather do anything else—something like agreeing to write one thing about your past in each piece. Just one sentence or one paragraph or one segment—whatever. I know you’ve written about your past before, and it was interesting.
About the illusion of free will: nothing helps so much with this, for me, as reading about the other primates. Currently I’m reading Differences by Frans de Waal, the primatologist. It’s helping me understand my brother.
Zida, whenever I read you, I admire your resilience, your drive to uncover more, go further in this examination… for going THERE. I wish you ultimately the deepest peace possible. Sending so much love, Becca
Thank you, Becca. One of the things that makes all this so difficult is that most people don't admire it, don't even believe in the amnesia or in dissociation generally. So your support means a great deal to me. (You might be interested to know that it seems like I've finally found a therapist who both believes in my condition and believes in the value of "going THERE.")